The Head Connection

My observations on erections and orgasms.

I’ve been thinking about writing this for a very long time but worried that it might scare away potential clients – now I think many may actually find it helpful. These are just some observations I’ve made over time and discussed with many of my clients, I don’t claim to be an expert.

Its fairly common knowledge that many people with a clitoris struggle to orgasm, and that often it takes time for them to understand their body and what they like. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t gone through some kind of journey to discover themselves. Something I didn’t expect to learn as a sex worker is that anyone with a penis can also struggle with erections and orgasms – and not just the typical erectile dysfunction we’re aware of from Viagra or Cialis commercials.

I think a lot of cisgender men get pressured by society into thinking they should be able to have sex with just anyone who consents. One of the [many] issues with toxic masculinity is the pervasive notion that men are sex-crazed animals, that they can and will fuck anyone who let them, “Wham, bam, “Thank you, Ma’am”” and all that. And some can, but casual sex isn’t for everyone, and there’s nothing wrong with needing to feel a certain level of comfort before doing something intimate that makes you feel vulnerable.

I get a lot of clients who hire me to help them experience sex for the first time, and many don’t realize that there’s a lot more to it than they think. For starters, whether or not its your first-time having sex, its normal to be nervous when you’re meeting someone new – I still get nervous when I meet new clients even though I’ve been a Sex Worker for years – and getting hard when you’re nervous isn’t easy. There’s also the fact that you may need an adjustment period. To be blunt: I’ve noticed that when people get used to certain grips, speeds, rhythms, etc. it can be difficult to suddenly switch to something unfamiliar. Also, sex can be very tiring compared to masturbation. Sometimes people who are having sex for the first time have difficultly getting or staying erect, or if they’re able to stay erect, have trouble orgasming. Many of them get hung up on wanting to be able to have “Normal” sex (referring to penis-in-vagina intercourse) but I explain they shouldn't force themselves to do things they don’t enjoy for the sake of “normal”. If you’re into foot stuff, find someone who enjoys foot stuff too. Life is too short to deny yourself satisfaction. I think a lot of people don’t give credit to how much of a role emotions and psychology can play in erections. Even clients who aren’t new to seeing providers can have difficulty “performing” for a variety of reasons (fatigue, stress, diet, etc.). Sadly, a lot of people think sex can’t occur without a penis penetrating a vagina, but they couldn’t be more wrong. There are so many different ways to enjoy sex, and penetration is only one option. I get plenty of clients who can’t get or stay erect, often as a side effect of medication, yet we still enjoy our time together immensely and create memories they can enjoy reliving later.

I was worried that if I posted a blog about clients having trouble getting hard I would be screwing myself out of potential bookings – however, the amount of times I’ve had conversations about this with clients and see the relief on their faces, has convinced me that others might appreciate my insight. I think its important to normalize the reality of sex rather than just try to imitate porn. I'm hoping I may even give some people the push they need to becoming comfortable with the unfamiliar.